Part 1 Background

The more informed we are the more we will be able to assist others who are recovering.

First and foremost we are all very different, so our healing differs. Readers cannot assume that what has worked for me (or another survivor) is effective for the next.

We have variations in exactly what we survived, how young we were when it began, what support (if any) we had growing up.

My abuse began at conception, in ritual. Older siblings had been sacrificed, I was allowed life. I had no name at birth, no “father” to put on birth certificate. I don't remember much about my early years except that they were without affection, in the earliest traumas I was pre-verbal.

Recovery started in high school, when the Dean of Girls recommended I stand up to my step father. After my panic attack the school nurse set me up with a school counselor who helped me learn what I needed to do to move out of my clearly dysfunctional home. I never revealed what was truly going on, but from the surface she could see I needed out! She taught me practical things, how to look for a job, how to write checks, find an apartment etc. No at 18 I had no clue how to do these things, independence is not what we are taught.

I left home after my graduation by jumping out my bedroom window. Suicidal mind control raging. Per my counselor I had found a job in phone solicitation (I had no job skills - was not allowed to - part of the control that keeps one captive). I had been riding my bike to work through the "riverbed". My "parents" had provided a car as a safer alternative. Not that they cared about my safety, but if I had been harmed, it would lead to investigations, and potentially a loss of income.

Somehow I managed to not "floor it and drive into a telephone pole" per my mind control which was screaming at me. I remained "off grid" for over 20 years by never using my personal information for utilities etc. This was easier to do in the 70's.

I had very little memory of most of my life. Later in my 20's was when the real recovery work began...remembering, but getting ahead of things.

First battle and deliverance.
Our miraculous bodies seem to orchestrate healing for us. I've learned to respect our God given ability to heal and return to balance.

I found the Bible at 23 and began studying it. This gave me a foundation and as I built a relationship with God, learned about his love, forgiveness and how to live. I think I was programmed to do this - to perpetuate ritual abuse within a Christian congregation. However, the power of God's word and my despise for everything satanic backfired.

After a few years demonic possession began to manifest itself. When I would go to Bible study I would be attacked - thrown to the ground, convulsions etc. Anything Bible could provoke an attack. I fought from within, prayed, was conscious of these events but completely without recourse. This progressively worsened over about a year. Ministers would pray over me - and they and families would disown me it was such a terrifying experience. Eventually I had boils all over my face like Job just from the stress.

After slowly and methodically destroying every thing I owned - down to photos, drivers license, clothing, home, car I was left with one new pair of shoes and 2 new dresses, living in a garage at a friend's home. Again in prayer we were lead to a Bible verse, " this kind can only be expelled by prayer", 2 of us came separately to the same conclusion. We had been instructed that if things escalated again to contact a minister about 4 hours away. He was from Cuba and had experience with expelling demon.

I was physically loaded into the backseat of a car and driven to a home near him. I screamed, convulsed, foamed at the mouth, spoke a "very educated Spanish" I had no idea what I was saying, but threatened the lives of my 2 escorts. They were in fervent prayer for the entire trip - both praying out loud.

When we arrived it took 4 men to get a 120 lb woman out of the car and into the house. Once there the prayer began. It took a few attempts, my human minister would pray and then talk to me, checking my eyes. I fought from inside begging for God to release me in Jesus name. And then it happened, in a blink the more powerful one of the 2 was gone. More prayer and the weaker, servant demon was gone. Then following Jesus model in the Bible I was offered food and water.

Healing from demonic possession… Because the possession occurred at such an early age and because of the mind control my personality structure (personalities) was fragmented to say the least. The demons were like my spinal column. Once expelled I lost "who I was" and had to rebuild. Fragmented parts came together and got stronger.

No one, but no one could understand or help. Only God. I did get treatment from a christian psychiatrist who didn't have a clue. Medication for chemical imbalance didn't work - just made me worse. Eventually time heals. I lived with different families until I was able to get a car, small trailer. There were times I had no food, I did a bit of work as I was able. I had no idea what would come next.

At this time I sincerely felt I had been tested more than I could endure - I still loved God, but my trust was shattered - trust is a big issues for survivors. I still leaned on my relationship with God, but it would take decades to heal.

Now the

memories...
My next phase was to begin recalling my past. Our merciful God allows survival by blocking our memories until we are ready to heal. I was getting back on my feet from the demonic possession and decided to go see my step father. I though maybe with the demons gone he would like me better...

It was after a creepy evening he had taken me to visit friends at it felt like I was on some sort of date with him. We got home, I went to bed and later he came into my room and tried to get in bed with me! I grabbed my Bible and Said "NO" "Don't you know this is wrong?". He said, "Don't you remember?" No I didn't.

I got to the airport and home as quickly as possible. In shock I dint make it 24 hours before I was at county mental health. A rather mean admitting nurse gruffly asked me, " so what's your problem?" I told her what happened with my step father, her countenance changed, softened and she said, " you've been incested", I responded yes, but didn't know why. I didn't remember it. She said I needed to stay there for awhile, in a safe place. I agreed.

Over the next few weeks I hot my first ritual abuse memory, I didn't know it was ritual abuse at the time, but it made the demonic possession all make sense. In between bouts of hitting my head against the wall, being drugged, passing out, repeat cycle, they figured out when I would come too. Eventually they got to me when I started with the head banging (I wanted what was in my head out), they got me into a padded room and gave me a bat and instructed me to hit it on the wall! I did, and I screamed in rage so loud I bothered the other patients. They had to take me outside - I screamed and beat the bat. This was repeated. Off and on I started talking with a psychologist.

And the memory began to come to me. I had been sacrificed to the demons as a child. I remember laying on a cold slab, bleeding and asking to die. The ritual takes one to the point of death. If the demons accept you live. If not you die. As difficult as this process was it answered many questions for me and was in a way a relief.

This happened over about a three week period. At some point doctor asked me what I wanted live or die. It was at that time I decided to learn to live with my experiences. This was a major turning point.

As I progressed at some point I was instructed that I needed to learn to "feel". What? What's a feeling? You can't turn off anger, grief and still experience joy - it's all off or all on. And so I began to learn how to live life with feelings, with my past. It took another 2 years and I opened up my alters - my dissociated parts.

Notes on recovery

Over the years I learned to feel, healthier ways to express emotion. I remembered, processed. Group therapy, individual, joyrnaling, artwork, bodywork.

For me memories were classified into 3 categories -

trafficking included child prostitution, pornography, snuff films. These have there own similar feelings to process, lots of shame and guilt.

Then there were the satanic abuse rituals, these were a bit more difficult and complex memories - the predominant overwhelming work with these is comprehending the level of evil.

Last and most difficult for me the mind control programming experience. These in addition to the pain, etc. are preceeded with serious suicidal inclinations. Then finding ways to break the programming.

This provides a bit of a framework as time permits I will expound on the above.

I am currently 65 years old, I'm still processing mind control memories - specifically electroshock.

The other part of healing that goes along with all of the above is integrating the dissociated parts of the personality. There is much disagreement on this one, but for me this was imperative. I stand firm on this because as time progressed I found that many of the parts were created by the programming and are in fact programmed alters. Sorry, but my definition of whole means no alters.

Then, there is the physical healing. Things like having no gag reflex, healing left right brain connection - the corpus collasum, retraining the nervous system response to stress, and etc. Learning to live in love, not fear - the physical complications of years of horrific terror.