Sixty-five years of a living nightmare resolving. How has God released me from what “those born into Illuminate don’t escape alive”? How do my experiences echo other survivors experience? Each of our experiences are unique in some details and at the same time extremely similar in other ways.
When I began my actual ‘recovery work’ we did not have the incredible treasure trove of survivor work that is now available. Nothing on programming, very little on rituals - just enough was known so that the therapeutic community could recognize us. Not incest, not rape, survivors of ritual abuse. In part I write this to honor those who came in between that time and now because without their combined knowledge I would still be captive to the programming. I also recognize those who have worked to research, document and make public this life saving information. May God continue to bless this movement.
It is hard to say exactly when I started recovery, was it in High School when after a panic attack I was sent to the nurses office? Was it when I ran away from home? Was it when I was delivered from demonic possession? Was it when I found myself in a mental hospital dealing with my first memories? Or was it earlier when I promised myself as a child I was going to survive and tell, to be a voice for the children. I would speak out for all the children I had witnessed as they took the last breath of life. I could do nothing but helplessly hold their eyes locked into mine. Most of the time I was sure I was responsible for what ensued.
I’ll start with High School…the school nurse promised me I was safe no one would make me go home if I didn’t want to. The next thing I recall is the police arrived and took me home. The nurse was unable to get me out of my cult control but somehow set up sessions through the school for therapy with ‘Carol’. I knew I could not “talk”, I kept to my programming. What she understood was that I needed to move out of my home and I had no skills to do so. She spent the year teaching me how to write a check, look for a job, find an apartment etc. all the practical skills I needed to move out. All intentional part of my programming to keep me dependent on my invisible captors. The day after graduation I jumped out my bedroom window and left with the clothing on my back and an old car my family had given me. Everything I “owned” was conditional on my complete obedience. I figured the car keys were something I didn’t want to lose so I took them and left the only way I could without confrontation or permission.
The nightmare of programming that hit me as I drove away was so intense I don’t know how I resisted compliance. Everything in my being commanded me to ‘floor it and drive into a telephone pole’. Tears streamed down my face and at that point I never cried. I had a part time job as a phone solicitor with no other job skills and not even a toothbrush. I found a temporary place to stay with an elderly woman and began life on my own I thought.
I found jobs, moved into my own apartments and slowly moved farther away. Kept my personal information hidden, no phone numbers no utilities in my name. By my early twenties I was able to support myself as a waitress or doing janitorial work. I studied the bible, I think because I was programmed to and to infiltrate a christian congregation.
The programming began I believe at conception, probably before. I am the real life “Rosemary’s baby”, I happened before the movie version. Rosemary, my birth mother had prior pregnancies I was her first birth that was not sacrificed. I was not the child of her husband who had been stationed in Hawaii (Navy) prior to and during the entire time she was pregnant. I don’t know who my father is, I know my step-father is not my father. My birth certificate was modified after he married my mother when I was about 5. This all fits with “programming” in that my genealogy was hidden. My birth weight was recorded as 6 lbs. I don’t believe I was born in a hospital, but somehow processed through a hospital in the Beverly Hills area of California.
My first memories are newborn traumas, not being allowed to cry, to eliminate. Total obedience and control of my body was required or I experienced consequences like my body hitting a brick wall and sliding down to the floor. Nannies all whom I hated, way to many mothers, lots of testing, deprivation, cold. What I now know as my ‘core fracture’ was some sort of rape. I was pre-verbal and felt like I was being exploded from the inside out. I was dying, I wanted a mother and had no way to speak. I experienced this event as a body memory (video recorded). My pelvic floor was left rotated counter clockwise and tilted up on one side. This put a corkscrew effect on my spine and impacted my cervical vertebra for many years.
Lots of testing was done early on determined my particular ‘brand’ or formulation of programming. Monarch - late 50’s, torture based, OZ, Beta sex for higher ups and elite, over the rainbow. My core was fractured - it spun off fragments. From there they continued creating alters in layers, programming - don’t talk, don’t remember names, places, dates, suicidal, and behaviors. Oral sex and POP - put out prostitute were a big portion and by five I could work on my own. Prior to that through my infancy I worked with my birth mother. Birth mother distinguishes her from all the other mothers - cult programming and ritual mothers. It’s funny how you remember the innocent thoughts of the child - I just could not figure out why there were so many mothers and Johns.
I was taught to read and write backwards before I was in kindergarten and I started kindergarten a year early there is a good market for the kindergarten age group so I started a year early and then was held back at the third grade to keep me there another year. The school promoted me, but the cult has a way to doing whatever it wants. I was told to report to the third grade teacher instead of going to my assigned 4th grade class. But I’m getting ahead.
The programming included all the standard electroshock, drugs, torture. But it’s even more than that. They know when children develop and how so for example, as a child I was given broken dolls to play with at the point when a child understands that the doll is broken. Dismembered dolls became dismembered live children. Then I was responsible for the death of the child, it is a methodical building of destruction of the human soul, the innermost being of a person.
At about this time I interject with something different but crucial in my recovery. Somewhere at about three years old I was sacrificed to Lucifer in ritual. This was the first memory I had of my abuse. Cold and dying on an alter I wished I could die but much to my dismay I did not. The sacrifice had been accepted, the demons possessed my body and provided the superhuman strength required to survive. I include this here, because from this point forward my programming was impacted. There were 2 entities, one extremely powerful and a lesser servant who reminded be of Dobby from the Harry Potter series. These were not alters and not programmed. They gave me power and later in the rituals even my birth mother was afraid of me.
Release from demonic possession was God’s gift and is an anchor for my heart when I doubt. It was over a year of intense struggle. By the end my face was full of boils from the stress. At any random moment I would find my body being thrown down or across a room. Multiple sessions of intense prayer and slowly destroying every shred of paper and physical possession - from drivers license, photographs, clothing, books, car, and home everything went. (The thought process was that the objects were possessed, not me. However once nothing was left it was the only conclusion). It was a very real living hell. I was in my 3rd home, a garage. I owned 2 new dresses and 1 pair of shoes. We had been in communication with a minister who had been shipped over from Cuba with the “undesirables” who had experience with demonic possession in Cuba. His instruction was to bring me to him if I came under attack again. As the bible also directed “this kind can only be removed by prayer” we complied.
It was nearly a five hour drive, with me in the backseat of the car foaming at the mouth and speaking in languages I didn’t understand. I had 2 drivers who implored God in prayer as we drove. The demons told them in no uncertain terms, that they would pay with their lives. It took five men to wrangle my 120 lb. female body a short distance into the home that had been prepared for us and my pants were torn in the process. I was laid on a couch and the prayer proceeded. I fought from inside, a captive observer. After a few prayers I broke through to God in my mind and the next prayer the prominent powerful demon was expelled. Another prayer and the lesser demon fled off to his master.
I was in my late twenties most of my life these powerful entities had major control over my everything. This impacted my programming because from the time I was possessed this was a major part of my ‘core’. I had my ‘proxy’ core the programmers had created and my constellations of broken babies and fragmented parts. I had an outer circle of ‘exterior’ personalities who revolved around the outside to function. I had my inside alters who performed in the prostitution and those who performed during rituals. However the demonic portion of my being took over. I excelled during rituals in that strength. This is nothing I’m proud or happy about and there were parts of me that somehow managed to resist from time to time (only by God). I refused to eat my own child after conceding to plunge a knife into her as she convulsed still alive after birth and rape. I needed to end her suffering, but this is one time I was willing to suffer the consequences of disobedience.
As multiples one part can make a mess and another can be left to clean up. Some come in as healers, others as destroyers. I leaned heavily on the demonic parts of my soul to do the dirty work. The problem was that once they were gone I had a fractured partially constructed programmed ‘proxy’ core and the skeleton that had held me together was gone. I was lost and wanted to go ‘home’ but there was no home inside me to go to. It had to be reconstructed. Slowly over time God helped me to mend, to patch together a personality structure that could function. Spiritually I felt God had allowed it to go to far and I had broken. In retrospect he had me all the way. It took another year to build a ‘personality system’ to be able to function. No medical doctors even christian had any clue. I was treated for chemical imbalance which made things worse. It was only God who could do the healing over time.
This was an extremely crucial first step me - one of my unique differences from most other survivors. 99% don’t survive programming, most do not survive possession, I’ve heard that by thirty possession literally tears the mind apart, not a high survival rate either. I completely agree. Now add to this escaping the illuminate within the mental health system and what were my odds? As I say, only by God.
Now I can get back to life! Ha ha ha…nope. Now I got to recover. My first memory surfaced, the sacrifice. It was about a three week process and I was interned in a county mental health facility. Not a nice place to be. I lived at poverty level had no medical insurance, had not been able to earn much of an income consistently for a number of years. Once again God had stepped in. My doctor ‘Steve’ had challenged me to make a decision to live, I had. He also had seen “something good in me” and instead of sending me to San Francisco State Mental Hospital kept me there. I would have either never made it out of that institution or been subjected to re-programming.
Doctor Steve worked with me just over two years and we hit the limits of the allowable services he was allowed to provide. I had learned a word called feelings, a very strange odd word I didn’t comprehend at first. Sort of like the blind understanding color I struggled to figure out feelings. I did my journals, artwork, group therapies and struggled to survive processing my life each day. At the end of the two years I presented with my outside circle of personalities, I was a multiple (later MPD was changed to DID). We all grieved the loss of Doctor Steve. I had no idea that in addition to the ritual memories I had programming. None of us back then did.
The RA survivors were too much for the incest survivor groups so we were separated out. Together we shared our experiences and helped one another. Very few others could deal with the intensity of our experiences. We held meetings and taught each other, those who were studying mental health generally taking the lead. Then the false memory ‘spin-drome’ folks started. Cathy O'Brien had perfectly documented memories, had been secluded and her memories were not ‘contaminated’. Pressure was put on the therapeutic community to not assist us. There were beautiful souls who stood firm for us, recognized our truths and we learned together.
During this time even without understanding much about the programming I separated memories - ritual, programming and prostitution. The programming memories always had an extreme suicidal component. I dedicated myself to recovery for years, seeking God’s direction and assistance. Eventually I was subjected to another cult group. They took complete control of me and again God moved his people to intervene on my behalf. After my escape I prayed, please how did this happen, what must I do to be free? Programming was my answer, but how Lord?
It took weeks to get the nerve to walk out of my home after I broke the no talk programming - it felt like there were eyes in the heavens watching everything I did. It was terrifying. This was my first approach - just butt my head against it and do things anyway, sort of a ‘desensitization’ process. Like dealing with a fear of flying, take smalls steps build on those. But basically grit and my teeth and force myself. Chinese restaurants are one example. I would get so triggered, I would have to run out to the car where I would cry, scream, re-live etc. then calm down and go back and try again. Eventually I could go into a Chinese restaurant like anyone else. I had rules for the suicidal times. Get in bed and stay there. Pray, it would pass. Grit it out. I learned to add nurturing, like taking a hot bath. I found different types of body work and massage to release memory from muscles, fascia, organs etc.
For years that’s all I knew to do. What else was there? There wasn’t anyone to go to, few books (Three Faces of Eve, Queen of Hearts, Sybil), no other survivors of ritual abuse. Eventually through groups of survivors I found a minister who was ‘de-programming’. I’m still not sure if he was programming or de-programming, but at the time I was desperate and it was worth a try. During that time I was able to get insight to the structure of programming. We recorded the sessions. He used a ‘computer’ (often used as a programming technique) to go in and look at the system and then we would deconstruct it and send it off.
For years I struggled, for brief periods I might find a little relief but not usually more than about six months every three-five years. I managed to get back to school and slowly earn my engineering degree. I worked to re-engineer myself, but at a certain point one has to ask, how many years of remembering? After awhile it’s just one gruesome horror story after another. I attempted to return to living and learned to find ways to manage without professional assistance.
About this same time my physical health was rapidly disintegrating. It started with thyroid issues in my thirties. By my forties I was just beginning my professional career, a dream come true. Within a few years I had been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, IBS, Palendromic Rheumatoid Arthritis, Allergies - multiple, Fibroymalgia, migraines, sinus & ear infections, in addition to the chiropractic issues with my pelvis and neck. I now had medical insurance I was working a secular job but my body was in so much pain it difficult to function. Hospital visits, weeks of testing, labs. I had an Endocrinologist, Rheumatologist, Gastroenterologist, in addition to my Chiropractor. Within six years I was referred to a neurologist and more with a prescription to go to group therapy for MS/ALS. I was quickly losing my ability to walk and use my arms.
In seven years my career ended because of my health complications. In the end I was in a wheelchair and making end of life decisions. I stopped working to focus on rebuilding my health. With Gods direction strict diets and medical assistance I reversed the MS/ALS, IBS, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, my neck and hip was healing. But my adrenals were collapsing. The thyroid issues went from bad to worse as my body rejected medications. Severe hormone resistance, no matter what I did I could not get medication into my system. Very few doctors understand or treat this. Without thyroid hormone you die. Adrenal collapse is also frightening, debilitating and can be fatal. Another 15 years of gritting my teeth to get through the days. If I got going it was only for a few months at best and then another crash. A ‘good’ day was one where I washed my face and brushed my teeth. There were months on end of adrenals so fatigued I could not get out of bed. Why? I am dedicated to healing, what’s up with this?
For years I suspected programming. There was some program that impacted my health. But what to do? In prayer I revoked demons, oaths, vows everything I could think of. In 2019 I had a healing year, adrenals were improving. 2020 and masks brought up deeper programming memories of electroshock, adrenals collapsed again. Spring 2021 picked myself up again and had the best year ever but by the fall I was collapsing. Thyroid medications stopped working, I was allergic to them. Nothing on the market worked for me. Doctor switched me to compounded. A year later and I can’t get going. This was a torture all it’s own, it was heartbreaking. I had to focus on gratitude prayer and healing.
At the end of my rope! Prayers and more prayers. One of the blessings of 2020 was being ‘locked down’ with social media. I found survivors, specifically Jessie Czebotar, Fritz Springmeier & Cisco Wheeler, Cathy Obrien, Brice Taylor, Cathy Fox and others. I found detailed information regarding recovery and specifically programming. I had what I thought to be some sort of ‘proxy’ core that was programmed to destroy my health. What to do? Through prayer and these survivors I found answers. It made to much sense, it was so simple, why had I never seen it? All of the programming is sealed. Sealed in the spirit world. Blood seals, covenants, oaths. This had to be broken. But what would happen? Like the demonic possession when the programmed core is removed what would be left? Would it be another year of rebuilding a self?
I had no idea, I took my fears to God, I found prayers, powerful ‘dangerous’ prayers. As always I jumped. I have a visualization I often do, when I can go no further on my own I jump. I jump off the cliff and fall into Gods hands. He is always there to catch me and carry me through.
I prayed these prayers for 7 days. I felt a shift after the first day. My husband felt it. I picked specific topics that seemed to fit the programming. Toward the final days I tailored them more specifically. I read the bible each day. My sleeping improved. I did have a significant shift in mental function. I keep taking it slowly rebuilding and I keep improving. Time will be the real test, however the programming seems to be gone to a much greater degree than ever before. My thyroid still needs physical healing, or at least stability. My labs came back surprisingly normal (rare for me). My heart is strong another uncommon experience.
In the weeks following God has revealed to me in prayer my core. Years ago I had sent my broken baby parts up to Jesus to be healed. A few years ago this had come up again and in a prayerful state the child had been returned. This is my new core, my me, myself, the one God created in the womb and Jesus healed I wept, Thank-you father! I have a core! I also am feeling on a deeper level than I ever have. Integration of alters is an interesting process and as each level is healed and released or integrated I have been able to feel more fully. To learn to manage emotions in a healthy way. I am calmer, I wake up easier and function through the day. I think this might be what most people experience in life. Being able to get up and have a day. In the beginning there was huge resistance to integration, understanding that it is programmed explains why. Of course. I have been happy to see a shift in this thinking, at least in those who are taking the lead in healing and exposing.
I have always had a goal to read the bible cover to cover. I started many times and have read all of the bible but not cover to cover and not on a daily regular basis. I’m working through Joshua and I don’t see any reason that this time I will not end up in Revelation.
As I process and look back things are becoming clearer. It wasn’t only illness from forty on, it’s been most of my life. Broken fingers - one on each hand, foot, tailbone, nose, skull, elbow, ribs, sprained ankles, wrist, fingers, knee, cut eye, knuckle punctured and infected after cat mauling, septic-tenosynovitis (infected sheath of tendon), mononucleosis and chickenpox (both twice oh the joy of alters) complete separation of shoulder, brown recluse spider bite, surgeries for tonsillectomy, myomectomy, hysterectomy, and sinus everything. As a child, if I played or had fun I got hurt as I aged it transitioned into illness but the injuries still were sprinkled in. The more I stubbornly fought the programming the more my health suffered.
I’m able to see with more clarity all that has evolved. I am in awe of how God has granted me life, protection, healing. I should not have survived - mkultra torture based programming, rituals, demonic possession, Illuminati infiltrated mental health system and two auto accidents where the vehicle was totaled and I walked away. In one I flew at 70 mph off a mountain curve into the forest below. My vehicle landed between two trees, the door handles on both sides were sheared off as the vehicle literally threaded the needle between two trees. My seat was on my lap and the steering wheel sheared off in my hands. Both accidents I should not have survived.
In some ways the programmed alters help us survive. When my shoulder was separated I tore everything that holds the clavicle and humerus in place severed. The skin held my arm on. My hand was down around my knees. My body hit the ground, I passed out and switched, picked up my arm literally stood up and walked to the nearest vehicle. I told the driver, take me to the hospital. When he stopped at a red light I instructed, keep driving. But what if the police stop me? Good they will escort us get me to the hospital. I walked in carrying my arm. “I think I hurt my arm”. They had to cut me out of my clothing and I had surgery the next day, screw through the scapula into the head of humerus sewed everything else back. It’s a six month healing process while the arm is immobilized. I have regained complete movement of that shoulder - rotation and elevation. What they have done to us makes us capable to enduring so much more than ‘normal’.
I don’t know if I will regain full memory or not. I’m not sure it’s important. I believe if it was an issue of only programming all memory is stored and if needed accessible. But with the demonic possession complication I’m not sure if I have the memories or the demons or both. I do know that God sees everything. I hope to return and add a postscript to this in the future, an update to see how complete this last effort has been. I expect it will be perfectly complete.
I wish to dedicate this entry to Veronica Swift because of the years of effort she has given the survivor community in researching, organizing, filtering and writing about us, our experiences and sharing this knowledge with the world. God is using you, may he continue to bless you in this life saving work.